Mom Guilt Confessions

As my lungs start to become more like...well lungs again, after four years of constant infections and unknown illness, I've had some time to think, and the more I think the more I feel...guilty. Yes you read that right, as I become healthier, more like myself again, thanks to some amazing doctors and some newish medications, I feel guilty. And not just your regular guilt but what I've realized may be the worst guilt of all, mom guilt. 

Mom guilt is very real and quite simply may be the worst feeling in the world. As I look back at the past four years and think about just how ill I was and how much I missed, I can't help it I feel guilty, and then I just feel sad. 

While I was at my worst, awaiting a diagnosis and pretty much living on a cycle of antibiotics, and prescription narcotics, just to function on the most basic level, my daughter, my beautiful little BAM wasn't even 1 year old yet. There were days where I couldn't get out of bed, too tired, and running fevers that bordered on needing to go to the hospital. All while my precious baby turned into a toddler, and began exploring the world around her. I missed out on a lot of it, as I lay in bed, or on the couch, and there are days now, looking back, that I really hate myself for it. 

I am fully aware that I wasn't to blame and could hardly help the fact that I had all these lung infections that left me with little to no energy, but rational thought isn't really possible, when facing crippling mom guilt. I am forever grateful to my husband, my friends, and my mom, without who I don't know how I would have gotten through. On my worst days I would call my mom, who would come and spend the day chasing BAM around the house, all while I napped in the bedroom, or on the couch. Some days when I'd been put on bedrest by a random doctor, friends would swoop in and take her out for the day, allowing me the rest I so desperately needed to get better. But here's the thing I didn't actually get better, not until very recently when the stars aligned just right, did I start to feel better. So I'd given up that time, for what?

Of course there were days I would rally like the best of them and be there, be present, be me, or at least the closest version to me I could be at this time. Which really wasn't me at all, but an imposter who looks, talks, and kind of acts like me, but isn't me, not entirely. Because me is very active, very hands on, and in these days I couldn't be. I couldn't walk and talk at the same time, without launching into a coughing fit that made strangers give me that sideways look, like I was going to infect them all, and set the end of the world into motion. So any kind of actual physical activity was definitely out. It destroyed me to watch my daughter begging for me to play with her in the yard, and after about five steps I had to stop and take a break, with a gasped "mommy can't run" explanation, before she moved onto something, and quite often someone else. 

Potentially one of the most heartbreaking moments for me, that I still to this day cry when I think about it, happened when BAM was about 2 1/2 years old. We were out shopping with my mom, as was often a thing we did on days off, we had separated, me going into the pizza place to order our lunch, and them going into the neighbouring dollar store to kill time while we waited for the pizza to be ready. It was cold outside and the store was warm something that often triggered a coughing fit, so when I walked inside I of course started to cough. I couldn't see my mom and BAM but suddenly I heard the unmistakable sound of BAM's voice "that's my mommy" she said happily and sure enough moments later her and my mom came into view. However something inside of me broke in that moment, my two year old should not be able to know who I am by the sound of my cough. But that was our reality, a crappy one, but our reality nonetheless. 

Another thing that really stands out and makes me feel guilty would be some days where I was really bad, and could barely get out of bed, BAM would come in, in the morning bringing me a diaper or pull up and wipes, so I could change her without having to get up, she would then cuddle into me and we would watch Netflix until I had enough energy to get out of bed and go play in the living room. This may not seem like much, but this became a normal thing, and it was a way to do the things that had to be done when I could barely stand up, but it still makes me feel terrible, and like a shit mom. 

Now though, my lungs are getting back on track although I still have bad days and get intense lung infections, but I feel almost like it's too late. At almost 5 BAM is in full day kindergarten and not home with me 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. So now that I'm feeling like I can participate and be present in everything she does, we're not together for most of the day. I do cherish every moment we do have (after school, weekends, and holidays) finding things we can do together that don't involve being cooped up and watching TV. Although we do enjoy a movie night almost every Friday. I still look back on the last 4 years feeling guilty and like I just want to cry. I really wish there was a do-over button that I could press and go back to all that precious time I missed, I know I was there, but I also wasn't there in so many ways. 

Hopefully getting this all out and off my chest will help me to start dealing with it properly and not just crying every time I think about all that I missed out on. 

What I really want to say is as mom's we tend to make ourselves feel guilty and terrible about a lot of things. most of which are beyond our control, like my health issues. However we do the best we can, with what we have, and I know I have a happy, healthy, well adjusted, beautiful little human, who thinks I'm doing pretty good. And that at least has to count for something. 

For Your Perusing, At Times Confusing, Hopefully Amusing...Introducing Me

10 points for you if you get the song reference from the title of this post. In the interest of letting you know trivial facts about me, I found a few get to know me things and stole questions from a few different ones, to bring you this, whatever it is. Enjoy!

1. What is your middle name? : Ashleigh Nicole.
2. What is your favorite color?: Purple, or black, and also blue
3. Who was your first best friend?: Her name was Andrea and she lived down the street from me. We kind of drifted apart when I moved super far away at the age of 8. I mean it was before the internet and social media. plus we were children. 
4. How tall are you?: Like 5'2
5. Cats or Dogs? Dogs"...I'm allergic to cats
6. Funniest moment throughout School?: Probably when I sat down on the cafeteria table seat and it broke, like flew off the bar and I ended up on the floor in a tangle of limbs, and school work, while all my friends laughed, and marvelled at how I, all 95 lbs of me managed to break a chair. 
7. How many countries have you visited?: 2 the USA when I was like 4 and Cuba almost 6 years ago.
8. Are you in/gone to college?: Been done for a few years now
9. What was your favorite/worst subject in High School?: Favourite, probably English...and Worst would have to be a tie between math and science
10. What is your Favorite drink?: Tea with milk and honey, is always a win. or water, and I like Pepsi
11. What is your favorite animal?: Polar bears...
12. What is your favorite perfume?: One Direction's Our Moment... it seriously smells so good. I can't help it. 
13. Tea or Coffee?: Tea, coffee is like drinking hot dirt (sorry) 
14. What Sports do you play/Have you played?: I used to run track (hurdles and 100 M sprints) and play basketball before my lungs decided being proper organs wasn't in their best interest anymore. (but that's a whole other post I think) 
15. What is your favorite book?: Just one!?!?!?? ummmm The Night Circus is really good. The Girl on the Train. there's too many to list honestly....
16. Are you Single or Taken?: Taken
17. What's your idea of an ideal first date?: that was a really long time ago, but something fun is always a good choice
18. How many Girlfriends/Boyfriends have you had?: Serious ones?? like 2 
19. Favorite memory from childhood?: The Zoo Incident...
20. Do you speak any different languages and how well?: Does Spanish in my sleep count? No? alright then, not really. I know a little French because every Canadian does really. 
21. Do you have any siblings? 3 Brothers; 2 older, 1 younger
22. How would you describe your fashion sense?: I wouldn't
23. What is your favorite restaurant?: Kelsey's, New York Fries,  
24. What are some of your favorite tv shows?: Stranger Things, Prison Break, Gilmore Girls, Quantico, Dancing With the Stars
25. PC or mac?: PC 
26. What phone do you have? (iOS v Android?): Android: Samsung Galaxy S5 Neo to be exact
27. Tell us one of your bad habits: Biting my nails
28. What is your favorite movie?: Just one?? well right now it's Into the Woods 
29. Favourite clean word?: Lagoon
30. Favourite curse word: fuck

The Last Year...

With less than two weeks to go until I turn 31, I've been thinking about the past year. I was so reluctant to turn 30, so much so I only went into it kicking and screaming and because I have yet to find the technology to stop time and just stay young forever. But as I'm staring 31 in the face I'm not nearly as worried, concerned, or just plain freaked out by it this year.

This led to me thinking about why? Why isn't 31 as terrifying to me as 30 was? The answer is simple, and it's not just because it's not really a milestone number, although I'm sure that plays a role. 

The reason 31 doesn't scare me as much as 30 did is because the past twelve months have been filled with such absolute crap, that 31 has to be better. There really is nowhere else to go but up. 

Don't get me wrong the last year has had some ups, getting a new house, making a positive turn in my health, so many moments with BAM, and a kick ass trip out west, but the bad has definitely outweighed the good for me this year, so I'm excited to see what 31 has to offer, and determined to make it better. 

In a terrifying leap of insanity, I want to get out some of why the past year has been what it's been, and what better place then on the internet for anyone to read.

First things first my career took a hit, which brought on the major change that led me here, to now being a stay at home mom. Still not ready to go into details, and I may never be, but the short version I lost my job and have honestly felt lost and defeated ever since. 

Not being in my career led me to reevaluate myself and my life in general, while battling the demons that took up residence inside my head in my teen years. Those demons have very much been on vacation since my mid twenties, but definitely moved back into my brain early this year, (Januaryish). I found myself slipping, and sinking back into the abyss I fought so hard to claw my way out of, and it honestly terrified me. I couldn't be going back to the dark, dark place I spent most of my teenage life (and half of my twenties) not now, not with a beautiful four year old who depends on me for everything. 

So I turned to the one thing that has always been my getaway, my salvation when everything else looks bleak...music. As if reading my mind and coming to my defense Good Charlotte released a new album in July (put that in the good column). Which may seem superficial and a little weird to claim as for me but my whole battle with Depression, the demons in my head, were always quieted down, just enough, by Good Charlotte. Who always seem to appear when I need them to the most. 

People who I thought I could count on, people who I thought were my friends started to come out as definitely not on my team, and as someone who doesn't trust easily this was a major blow to me and my confidence. I spent large portions of my life being bullied and what was happening to me recently (as a 30 year old adult) was very similar to what I experienced at 13, at the hands of people who I also thought were on my team. This led to me questioning and being suspicious of everyone I've met and everyone I already know, looking for ulterior motives, and hidden agendas within every conversation. 

This is not what I wanted for myself and my life so I decided for my own sake, I needed to take a step back and look at myself. Why was/am I such an easy target for these people? I still don't know the answer and I probably never will, but I do know I'm no longer going to let it get to me the way I always have. I can't and won't just sit by and let people knock me down, it's not the type of message I want to send to BAM, or anyone else for that matter.

There's more, there's always more, but these were the biggest issues I've been dealing with. 

A lot of these things are tied together in a very terrifying and upsetting package, and I'm still battling through all of them. I know it's not going to get completely better overnight, but I do know a few things.
I know that the environment I was working in was so toxic, that it played a major part of my deteriorating mental health. 

I know that no matter what happens BAM, my caring, beautiful, goofy, independant daughter is there for me in the best way.
I know who my true friends are and that I can count on them, through anything 

And I think most importantly I know that no matter what this life has to throw at me, I'm going to be okay. I'm going to fight through it and come out stronger (somehow) on the other side. 

So 31, has to be better. There's not much else left to go through, that I haven't faced already. And if I ever get anywhere on the time stopping technology, I'll be sure to share it with you all

Until next time 

xoxo. 

      

Easter Baking

Hello everyone and welcome aboard, it's going to be a crazy ride. Well actually maybe not. BAM and I are housebound due to the weather, we've gone from snow and ice, to pouring rain and I figured now was as good a time as any to make my first post on this blog. 

I spent most of the end of last week also stuck in the house due to weather and before I could go too crazy, I decided to do some baking. It's something I love and always turn to when I'm bored, or pissed off, so I thought I'd share a couple of my favourite recipes from this Easter. 

Although these are technically, but not really Easter treats, you can definitely make them anytime, for any reason...alright, let's go.

Chocolate Dipped Cookie Dough Eggs 

I know right the name alone is enough, at least it was for me, and I'm sure anybody who loves chocolate and cookie dough as much as me. 

But for this recipe you will need...

1/2 cup Brown Sugar

2/3 cup Flour

1/4 cup Chocolate Chips

4 Tablespoons softened Butter (margarine works too!)

2 Tablespoons Milk

1/4 Teaspoon Salt

1/4 Teaspoon Vanilla 

1 1/2 cups Melting Chocolate  (I used more chocolate chips and it worked just fine) 

1. Line tray with parchment or wax paper and set aside 

2. Heat flour for about 2 minutes, or until an internal temperature of 160 degrees is reached

3. Mix together Butter, Brown Sugar, Vanilla, and Salt 

4. Add in Milk, and gradually add in Flour

5. Stir in Chocolate Chips

6. Form into eggs, and freeze for at least thirty minutes. (really you can make any shape you want here) 

7. Melt chocolate until smooth, (either in the microwave in thirty second intervals, or over a pot of boiling water on the stove) I used the pot on the stove 

8. Using a fork, dip each egg into the chocolate, shake to remove excess chocolate

9. Place on prepared tray and refrigerate until set

10. ENJOY!

Mini Egg Cookies

These are super soft and buttery and just all around delicious. I get in trouble if I don't make this for Easter dinner.
To make these you will need...

2 1/4 cups Flour

1 teaspoon Baking Soda

1 teaspoon Salt 

1 cup Butter (or margarine)

3/4 cup White Sugar

3/4 cup Brown Sugar

2 tsp Vanilla 

2 Eggs

1 1/2 cups Mini Eggs

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees 

2. Combine flour, salt, and baking soda in one bowl and set aside

3. In a large bowl combine both sugars, vanilla and butter

4. Add eggs one at a time, mixing between each egg

5. Beat in dry ingredients (dough should be soft) 

6. Chop Mini eggs in half (be careful here, as mini eggs come in a tiny suit of armor and are not the easiest to chop in half) and mix into dough 

7. Drop by tablespoons onto ungreased cookie sheet

8. Bake for 9-10 minutes

9. Let cool and ENJOY!

Well that's it for me today, I'll be back with more, could be more recipes, but could also just be incoherent rambling, really the possibilities are endless right now.

Until next time
xoxo