This led to me thinking about why? Why isn't 31 as terrifying to me as 30 was? The answer is simple, and it's not just because it's not really a milestone number, although I'm sure that plays a role.
The reason 31 doesn't scare me as much as 30 did is because the past twelve months have been filled with such absolute crap, that 31 has to be better. There really is nowhere else to go but up.
Don't get me wrong the last year has had some ups, getting a new house, making a positive turn in my health, so many moments with BAM, and a kick ass trip out west, but the bad has definitely outweighed the good for me this year, so I'm excited to see what 31 has to offer, and determined to make it better.
In a terrifying leap of insanity, I want to get out some of why the past year has been what it's been, and what better place then on the internet for anyone to read.
First things first my career took a hit, which brought on the major change that led me here, to now being a stay at home mom. Still not ready to go into details, and I may never be, but the short version I lost my job and have honestly felt lost and defeated ever since.
Not being in my career led me to reevaluate myself and my life in general, while battling the demons that took up residence inside my head in my teen years. Those demons have very much been on vacation since my mid twenties, but definitely moved back into my brain early this year, (Januaryish). I found myself slipping, and sinking back into the abyss I fought so hard to claw my way out of, and it honestly terrified me. I couldn't be going back to the dark, dark place I spent most of my teenage life (and half of my twenties) not now, not with a beautiful four year old who depends on me for everything.
So I turned to the one thing that has always been my getaway, my salvation when everything else looks bleak...music. As if reading my mind and coming to my defense Good Charlotte released a new album in July (put that in the good column). Which may seem superficial and a little weird to claim as for me but my whole battle with Depression, the demons in my head, were always quieted down, just enough, by Good Charlotte. Who always seem to appear when I need them to the most.
People who I thought I could count on, people who I thought were my friends started to come out as definitely not on my team, and as someone who doesn't trust easily this was a major blow to me and my confidence. I spent large portions of my life being bullied and what was happening to me recently (as a 30 year old adult) was very similar to what I experienced at 13, at the hands of people who I also thought were on my team. This led to me questioning and being suspicious of everyone I've met and everyone I already know, looking for ulterior motives, and hidden agendas within every conversation.
This is not what I wanted for myself and my life so I decided for my own sake, I needed to take a step back and look at myself. Why was/am I such an easy target for these people? I still don't know the answer and I probably never will, but I do know I'm no longer going to let it get to me the way I always have. I can't and won't just sit by and let people knock me down, it's not the type of message I want to send to BAM, or anyone else for that matter.
There's more, there's always more, but these were the biggest issues I've been dealing with.
A lot of these things are tied together in a very terrifying and upsetting package, and I'm still battling through all of them. I know it's not going to get completely better overnight, but I do know a few things.
I know that the environment I was working in was so toxic, that it played a major part of my deteriorating mental health.
I know that the environment I was working in was so toxic, that it played a major part of my deteriorating mental health.
I know that no matter what happens BAM, my caring, beautiful, goofy, independant daughter is there for me in the best way.
I know who my true friends are and that I can count on them, through anything
I know who my true friends are and that I can count on them, through anything
And I think most importantly I know that no matter what this life has to throw at me, I'm going to be okay. I'm going to fight through it and come out stronger (somehow) on the other side.
So 31, has to be better. There's not much else left to go through, that I haven't faced already. And if I ever get anywhere on the time stopping technology, I'll be sure to share it with you all
Until next time
xoxo.
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