Dear 2018...

As the year comes to an end, there's a lot of things I can say. 
Some of them are positive, some of them are negative. But all of them taught me something. 

I had some debilitating lows this year and there were moments that I didn't think I would get through. 
My anxiety reached an all time peak and there were days I couldn't leave my house because of it. 
Residual crap from when I lost my job two years ago carried over into this year and came to a head in what can only be described as one of the most stressful, anxiety-inducing, and depressing moments of my life. 
These were the moments that showed me what I'm made of, and showed me who I can count on when everything is falling apart. 

There were high points as well, most revolving around BAM and everything to do with her. She became one of the only bright spots in an otherwise dismal year. 
My friends and family were the reason I rallied and made it to the end of the year. 

Now as I'm staring down 2019 I'm feeling hopeful for what it has to bring. 
It's going to be better I can feel it, a fresh start and all that. 

I have a few goals, (resolutions) for 2019 that I figure I'll share here... 

1. Be a little nicer to myself,  sometimes (okay a lot of times) I can be harder on myself than I deserve and I'm going to try to put an end to that in 2019
2. Write more,  this one's self explanatory, writing is something I'm passionate about and I want to do it more often, so watch this space.
3. Read more,  this year I can only remember finishing 1 book. I love to read and don't do it often enough, so next year I want to read more. 


That's it, at least for right now. 

Thanks 2018 you taught me a lot. 
Bring it on 2019 I'm ready for you.

Disappearing Act

Hello.

I know it's been a minute (or 10 months), but hopefully I'm back now. 
I took a little break because I started this to be an outlet and for something fun to do with my time. 
But I had reached a point where I was having such ridiculous anxiety about every post I tried to write. It was bad enough I would just exit out of the document and walk away. 
So I took an extended break, a moment to catch my breath and refocus my energy and hopefully get back to a point where writing is fun and not anxiety inducing. 
Which I think I've achieved. 
Even now as I'm writing this, I feel happy, and calm. Like I want to write, and not at all like I have too. 
This is hopefully (another) new beginning here. One where I post more regularly and about whatever I want to, without feeling an impending sense of dread about how it's going to be perceived. 

A lot has happened in the time since I posted last, but I'm going to save that for another post. I'm going to leave this one here for now. 

Until next time.   

The 6th Birthday

Hello again, and welcome back. 

Earlier this month my baby turned six. I had mixed emotions about the whole thing, but so far the past few weeks with a newly six year old have been pretty good. 

On her actual birthday we had family over for dinner. She got to plan the menu (chicken wings and homemade mac & cheese, for those wondering), and she requested a Strawberry shaped cake. Which had me stumped at first. But in the end, I think I nailed it, but let me know what you think. 

Hubby and I bought her a pair of ice skates for her birthday, and she was/is thrilled, and first time out on the ice on them was skating like a pro within twenty minutes. 

Then it was time for the school friends party, a week and a half later. School parties stress me out. I never know if parents are staying or going, (with the exception of a couple close friends who I force to stay, you know who you are and I love you), it takes ages to get RSVPs from people, goodie bags leave me feeling a little crazy, and the amount of stupid things I find to clean in my house is astounding. (I spent twenty minutes, cleaning my soap dish, because that's what anyone is going to be looking at. I repeat twenty minutes cleaning a soap dish. Take from that what you will). And then there's the cake (cupcakes) most of which went into the garbage once the icing and decoration had been eaten, but that's what 5/6 year olds do. 

BAM's theme was confusing to say the least, and so much a theme as a splattering of some of her very favourite things; 

Descendants

Tangled

Rainbows

DC Super Hero Girls

I'm sure there's more but those were the main ones. 

In the end this was the goodie bag (those stickers smell like '90's Strawberry Shortcake dolls).  Plus everyone got to pick, use, and ultimately take home a crazy straw. 

I'm pretty happy with how these cupcakes turned out, I mean what more could a six year old girl want. (The answer is nothing, BAM was absolutely thrilled with these, and they were super simple to make)

 Some of the random decor, all Descendants all the time, in this house. (Although I'm not sure why I wasted my time decorating the house, they spent most of the party playing in BAM's room).

In the end I'm not sure why I was so stressed out although while searching on the internet for 'indoor, winter party ideas' I was ready to throw both my computer and phone out a window when half the suggestions were an outdoor water balloon fight in July, (not what I asked you for internet). It turns out I didn't need to plan any games for them to play, because they were all just happy to play in BAM's room and outside. Then we did a pinata, had some cake, opened presents and it was time to go home.

Now this mama can relax (for another year) and just enjoy my six year old. 

Six Years Ago...

Tomorrow my baby turns 6. 

The past 6 years have taught me a lot about a lot of things. 

Like how much love you can have for a person you've never even met. 

Like how much you can learn about yourself from watching your child explore the world. 

Six years ago I thought I still had two weeks to go. I still didn't have everything  I needed and most importantly I didn't think I was ready. 

Six years ago I was sitting waiting to meet a doctor for the first time, because my last ultrasound had revealed I had placenta previa. 

Six years ago I learned that not only was I going to have my baby early, but I had less than 24 hours to prepare myself for a C-Section, a surgery that had hardly even crossed my mind over the entirety of my pregnancy. 

Six years ago I didn't know who she would be, I didn't even know she was a she. 

And now...

...she is

smart, 

kind, 

funny, 

curious, 

independant,

fierce, 

dedicated,

talented, 

imaginative,

beautiful,

loving,

sassy, 

Six years ago I was staring down potentially the most terrifying, yet beautifully perfect day of my life. I was scared I wouldn't know what I was doing (and I didn't), but I knew I would figure it out. I was nervous to meet her, and find out who she was. I wasn't prepared but I knew I was ready. 

Tomorrow she turns 6, and she's more grown up everytime I blink. And just when I think I couldn't love someone more, something happens and my love only grows. 

BAM absolutely is 'Sunshine mixed with a little Hurricane', and I wouldn't change a thing about her. 

Six feels like it's going to be a big year to me.

I can't wait to see what she does with it. 

 

 

New Year, New...Everything

Happy 2018!
Hope everyone's had (having) a good holiday. 

Spent time with loved ones.

Ate too much food.

Opened some presents.

As we enter a new year, it's a new page, a new beginning, a fresh take on the world. I've been looking back and a lot of 2017 was pretty negative for me, I was dealing with a lot of personal stuff, and my mental health took a pretty bad turn. But I made it, barely, and there were points I was ready to quit, days, weeks even where I just didn't see the point. 

As a mom this scared me into getting some help and I've been seeing a counsellor, who has actually proven pretty useful to my thinking process and general outlook on things. 

But the point of this post isn't to get caught up in the negativity of last year, it's to look forward to the new year and make a plan. 

I don't usually make resolutions, as let's be honest no one actually sticks to them, and I'm still not making them now. This is more a list of goals. (I know they're basically the same thing, but not to me) 

1. I want to post here more often. Make this blog a thing I do regularly and not just when the world feels like it's falling apart.
2. Focus more on me. I usually get so wrapped up in what everyone else needs I often forget about myself, this needs to stop. I'm not going to stop taking care of BAM and those around me, but I'm going to carve out a little more time for me.
3. Self Care. This is a big one for me. Self care is something I often struggle with, when my mental health isn't great. Things as simple as brushing my hair can often be forgotten, because I just can't be bothered. This year I hope to make an attempt at least, to change this, and focus on the seemingly little things.
4. Let things go. This is another big one and something that comes up in counselling A LOT. I often get stuck in my head dwelling on things and people that have wronged me in the past, I'm already working on this. I need to let go and move on. What's in past is past and there's nothing I can do to change it.  

That's really all I've got for now. 

So you'll be seeing a lot more of me around here (hopefully) and the posts will be a little more lighthearted (most of the time). 

So until next time...

xoxo

     

It's Been Awhile...

Well hello there.
It's been awhile and I'm sorry I haven't been around. First it was summer vacation and I was enjoying every second with BAM that I could. Then since she started back at school I've really just been in an odd place...not really in the mood to talk to anyone, or write anything. But I miss it. I miss this, whatever this is, it actually makes me feel good, for a minute or two. (Even if no one reads it, to be honest). 

Yesterday we had the first substantial amount of snow and BAM woke up so excited and just couldn't wait to get out there. So she bundled up (first time in her new snow pants. and she acted like she won the lottery she's been so desperate to get them on), and away she went. Looking out the window was absolutely precious, there was my girl, and her dog (he's actually my dog but he likes her better than me now I think) rolling in the snow, throwing it around, making snow angels (she had to ring the doorbell to show me that last one). She was just having such a good time and so was I just watching. Before she came into the house and had hot chocolate, ("Mom I can't feel my face I need hot chocolate") and forced me to watch some Barbie Christmas movie, which no matter how many times she's made me watch it (I've lost count. I had to hide it after Christmas last year 'cause I couldn't take it anymore) doesn't make any sense. 

Even though I'm going through some pretty crappy stuff right now, days like that just put it all into perspective for me. It's okay to not be okay, and it's okay to pull back a little when you absolutely need to. But there comes a time when the only one who's going to miss out is you, so pull up your socks kid, crank some music (currently for me it's Taylor Swift) and get yourself back in there. Because the best time of year is just getting started and I can't let myself get trapped in my own head and miss it. 

I'm not going into detail, but I've been feeling really low. And things in my world are changing, but I've always been a scrappy little, fighter, and I don't intend to quit now. I've never gone down without a fight, so bring it on! I've got people on my team, people in my corner, and although I may not always acknowledge you're there I know you are, (you know who you are too. All of you.). Everyone that's been reaching out I see you, I hear you and I'll get back to you, I promise, but I need to sort my own head out first. Just please know how much I appreciate every single one of you who reaches out when I can't see the forest through the trees. 

That's it for me, and this really has no direction, but I wanted to ramble. 

Until next time 

xoxo 

Let's Talk...

Hey you! Yeah you, let's talk, shall we? 
About what you ask? How about everything? Anything? Nothing?

But seriously let's talk. 

I've never been good a keeping in touch, I know this. You know this. At least now you do. It's never been something I've been particularly good at, and I know it, I'm working on it.

Part of it comes down to a nearly crippling fear of making phone calls, or answering the phone at all. The answering part isn't so bad now that we live in an age where my phone tells me exactly who it is, and in some cases their location in the world. So if you call me I can answer (most of the time). 

But waiting for me to call you? That might take longer. A huge part of my anxiety is social, and a big part of that is the phone. I don't know what it is, (actually I do, but that's a story for a different time). I HATE the phone. I get an overwhelming sense of panic, whenever i pick up the phone to make a call, and I hate it. Dialling an then deleting all but the first digit, only to dial the same number six more times, before actually hitting the call button. Only to spiral into a unending cycle of fear, and panic, and then forgetting that I am in fact the one who called you and once you've answered me I probably have panicked myself into forgetting why. 

Why am I telling you this? There has to be a reason right? And there is, you have to be in my head, but trust me there is a track. My reason for telling you this is simple. As a stay at home Mom to a beautiful five year old girl, I'm lonely. Yes lonely. 

Because I'm a stay at home Mom for a child who spends a majority of the day at school, and sure I have friends, but I can't call them, and not just because of the reasons listed above, but because they all have jobs, stuff they do and places they go outside of the home. But not me, outside of my doctor's appointments I spend five days a week trapped in my own mind inside my house. Sure I go out, but remember that social anxiety I mentioned? Yeah that keeps me from doing a lot of things by myself, I can't spend too much time in public by myself before I start to...well panic. 

And there is only so much laundry you can do. So many dishes you can wash. So many things you can clean, and shows to watch on Netflix, before you start to go a little loopy. And I know my house isn't spotless ("but what are you doing you're home all the time?") trust me I've heard it. But in all honesty I've reached a point of just not caring. I don't want to spend all day every day cleaning, it doesn't interest me. If you come to my house it's not to see how tidy I keep it, it's (hopefully) to see me, to see BAM, to see Hubby. That's not to say I don't clean, 'cause I do, a little bit every day. But then what do I do with the rest of my time? 

I watch Netflix... (currently Riverdale)
I read... (currently HArry Potter and the Deathly Hallows) 
I write...
I listen to music...
and I feel alone. 

Then I take myself to the bus stop (headphones in and music loud, because I don't go anywhere without it) and wait for the bus. I then spend my evening reading, playing, and talking with BAM, before cooking dinner and starting bedtime routine. 

Some days I like to be home by myself, it's all I wanted for almost five years, just a moment to myself. But most days I hate it, and I need something to distract myself. Something different, I'm open to any and all suggestions at this point. 

In just three weeks my little mini me, my sidekick, will be done school for the summer and we can go on adventures, and there will be another person here with me. But I know that loneliness will still be there. 

So let's talk. Let's help each other out. Because I can't be the only one who feels this way.