It's Been Awhile...

Well hello there.
It's been awhile and I'm sorry I haven't been around. First it was summer vacation and I was enjoying every second with BAM that I could. Then since she started back at school I've really just been in an odd place...not really in the mood to talk to anyone, or write anything. But I miss it. I miss this, whatever this is, it actually makes me feel good, for a minute or two. (Even if no one reads it, to be honest). 

Yesterday we had the first substantial amount of snow and BAM woke up so excited and just couldn't wait to get out there. So she bundled up (first time in her new snow pants. and she acted like she won the lottery she's been so desperate to get them on), and away she went. Looking out the window was absolutely precious, there was my girl, and her dog (he's actually my dog but he likes her better than me now I think) rolling in the snow, throwing it around, making snow angels (she had to ring the doorbell to show me that last one). She was just having such a good time and so was I just watching. Before she came into the house and had hot chocolate, ("Mom I can't feel my face I need hot chocolate") and forced me to watch some Barbie Christmas movie, which no matter how many times she's made me watch it (I've lost count. I had to hide it after Christmas last year 'cause I couldn't take it anymore) doesn't make any sense. 

Even though I'm going through some pretty crappy stuff right now, days like that just put it all into perspective for me. It's okay to not be okay, and it's okay to pull back a little when you absolutely need to. But there comes a time when the only one who's going to miss out is you, so pull up your socks kid, crank some music (currently for me it's Taylor Swift) and get yourself back in there. Because the best time of year is just getting started and I can't let myself get trapped in my own head and miss it. 

I'm not going into detail, but I've been feeling really low. And things in my world are changing, but I've always been a scrappy little, fighter, and I don't intend to quit now. I've never gone down without a fight, so bring it on! I've got people on my team, people in my corner, and although I may not always acknowledge you're there I know you are, (you know who you are too. All of you.). Everyone that's been reaching out I see you, I hear you and I'll get back to you, I promise, but I need to sort my own head out first. Just please know how much I appreciate every single one of you who reaches out when I can't see the forest through the trees. 

That's it for me, and this really has no direction, but I wanted to ramble. 

Until next time 

xoxo 

Let's Talk...

Hey you! Yeah you, let's talk, shall we? 
About what you ask? How about everything? Anything? Nothing?

But seriously let's talk. 

I've never been good a keeping in touch, I know this. You know this. At least now you do. It's never been something I've been particularly good at, and I know it, I'm working on it.

Part of it comes down to a nearly crippling fear of making phone calls, or answering the phone at all. The answering part isn't so bad now that we live in an age where my phone tells me exactly who it is, and in some cases their location in the world. So if you call me I can answer (most of the time). 

But waiting for me to call you? That might take longer. A huge part of my anxiety is social, and a big part of that is the phone. I don't know what it is, (actually I do, but that's a story for a different time). I HATE the phone. I get an overwhelming sense of panic, whenever i pick up the phone to make a call, and I hate it. Dialling an then deleting all but the first digit, only to dial the same number six more times, before actually hitting the call button. Only to spiral into a unending cycle of fear, and panic, and then forgetting that I am in fact the one who called you and once you've answered me I probably have panicked myself into forgetting why. 

Why am I telling you this? There has to be a reason right? And there is, you have to be in my head, but trust me there is a track. My reason for telling you this is simple. As a stay at home Mom to a beautiful five year old girl, I'm lonely. Yes lonely. 

Because I'm a stay at home Mom for a child who spends a majority of the day at school, and sure I have friends, but I can't call them, and not just because of the reasons listed above, but because they all have jobs, stuff they do and places they go outside of the home. But not me, outside of my doctor's appointments I spend five days a week trapped in my own mind inside my house. Sure I go out, but remember that social anxiety I mentioned? Yeah that keeps me from doing a lot of things by myself, I can't spend too much time in public by myself before I start to...well panic. 

And there is only so much laundry you can do. So many dishes you can wash. So many things you can clean, and shows to watch on Netflix, before you start to go a little loopy. And I know my house isn't spotless ("but what are you doing you're home all the time?") trust me I've heard it. But in all honesty I've reached a point of just not caring. I don't want to spend all day every day cleaning, it doesn't interest me. If you come to my house it's not to see how tidy I keep it, it's (hopefully) to see me, to see BAM, to see Hubby. That's not to say I don't clean, 'cause I do, a little bit every day. But then what do I do with the rest of my time? 

I watch Netflix... (currently Riverdale)
I read... (currently HArry Potter and the Deathly Hallows) 
I write...
I listen to music...
and I feel alone. 

Then I take myself to the bus stop (headphones in and music loud, because I don't go anywhere without it) and wait for the bus. I then spend my evening reading, playing, and talking with BAM, before cooking dinner and starting bedtime routine. 

Some days I like to be home by myself, it's all I wanted for almost five years, just a moment to myself. But most days I hate it, and I need something to distract myself. Something different, I'm open to any and all suggestions at this point. 

In just three weeks my little mini me, my sidekick, will be done school for the summer and we can go on adventures, and there will be another person here with me. But I know that loneliness will still be there. 

So let's talk. Let's help each other out. Because I can't be the only one who feels this way. 




  

Old Friends Becoming New

Friendships as adults are weird. Making friends as an adult is even weirder. Because becoming friends as kids was as simple as being in the same class, liking the same shows, listening to the same music. And these markers of friendship grew and adapted alongside each other as you grew up into the fully formed adult-type person you are today. These friendship starters can still be used to make friends as an adult, but it's much harder. You stand in front of these other people who all seem to have their shit together, as a fully formed person and say 'here I am. Take it or leave it" which is a weird and scary thing. 

Sometimes you're going to succeed with these friendships and you're going to get to change (albeit slower) into an entirely different adult alongside them. Other times you're going to crash hard and burn even harder. You put your faith in the wrong person, and suddenly all those adult friends you have are nowhere to be found. 

But then like a shining light, one of those friends from way back. One of the ones that time and distance (before social media), just slipped away. Not because of any one thing, there was never a moment that made you stop being friends, you just kind of drifted. One of those friends is suddenly standing right in front of you again.

Take the chance. Reconnect.
Trust me, it's worth it.

For the past few weeks I've been doing just that, an old friend (and if she's reading this. I hope she knows exactly who she is) and I have been reconnecting. And it's been great. We've reminisced about old times, all the terrible choices we made together (boys mostly), and every second has been worth it. Every moment has been fun. 

So my advice to you out there. If you have that friend that you can't really pinpoint why you stopped being friends. That one that there really is no reason, for us it was I moved for school and she stayed home. Before all the social media and when no one really had a cell phone, it was so easy to lose touch. If you can't remember the reason and you've been thinking about them, or you run into them somewhere. Reach out.  Exchange numbers. Go get a coffee. Get to know each other again. 

You never know, everything may just slot back into place. You may find yourselves gossiping like tenth graders again, in between cuddling with babies and deescalating temper tantrums, 'cause hey we have kids now. And that makes everything different, but at the core it all stays the same. 

I know this isn't always the case with old friends. Trust me I know all to well. But usually the ones that aren't worth your time anymore, you know it. You remember the reason. you remember the explosion, and the afterburn. At least I do. There are lots of people from my past who definitely need to stay right where they are, in the past. But there's a couple, a good few who could definitely step front row centre again. 

       

Chronic Illness Journey...

My whole life my lungs haven't been great, they've been manageable, but still not great. Then about four and a half years ago things took a turn for the worst. my daughter was about ten months old, and I started getting lung infections. This was nothing new for me, it was quite common because of my asthma for me to end up down and out for a couple days every fall, and winter. Needing antibiotics and a few days rest to get back to normal. 

Except this time, it didn't go back to normal, I finished the antibiotics, just for the infection to stay the same. Heading back to the doctor to see what was happening and leaving once again with another round of different (stronger) antibiotics and a narcotic laced cough syrup, (that tastes way better then it should) to help me sleep. 

Fast forward several months and I've been back at work, all while battling a seemingly endless lung infection, raising a toddler, and being more exhausted than I ever remember being in my whole previous existence. My doctor deciding that a lung infection for almost a year is probably a bad sign, sent me off to a specialist, who decided after several tests, (x-rays, CAT scans, blood work) that it's a really bad, drug resistant infection and once again I'm sent on my way with what I was told is a super drug. 

No surprise here Super Drug worked for about three weeks before once again the infection came back, at this point I was beyond tired of feeling like crap and spent most of my life either on auto pilot or sleeping. 

Finally I was given a diagnosis, as to what was happening with me and my lungs, and confusing diagnosis, but an answer all the same. I have what is called Bronchiectasis, which was described to me as a permanent bronchitis. I was taken off work, put on a sick leave, where nothing really changed in six months. When I returned to work it was part time (three days a week) and still was just constantly sick, needing antibiotic intervention at least twice a month to just get by. 

My specialist decided he had done all he could for me and sent me off to a different specialist, and she has honestly been a huge blessing, and the reason for so many changes in my life. She refuses to give up on me, promised me in our first meeting (which was her very first appointment, in her new practice) that she understood how it felt to have so many doctors just give up (at this point my GP, first specialist, and a respiratory therapist all had) and that she wasn't going to quit until she had better answers for me. 

Let's do more tests, shall we? Including a few very scary tests that were looking for terrifying things like Cystic Fibrosis, (we did that one twice). Another specialist joined the team, this one in Toronto and at 30 I visited Sick Kids for the first time in my life to get said Cystic Fibrosis test. Because apparently what no one had ever told me, was that Bronchiectasis usually stems from CF and , there was little other explanation anyone could find. At this point I also was seeing a plastic surgeon to see if I needed a nose job due to a deviated septum, (turns out I didn't). I also popped negative for Cystic Fibrosis, which was honestly a huge relief.

But with all these negative tests, we still weren't getting answers there was still no why. So we did one more, this one a scope of my lungs. It was scary and a little exciting because I could finally have the why. But it only confirmed what we already knew, that I have Bronchiectasis. 

True to her word though my lung specialist hasn't given up, and with help from my allergist, they got me what I needed to get me on to this new(ish) drug that according to my specialist, "will be a huge game changer." I started Xolair in September, and although it is a mildly terrifying drug, given that it can cause anaphylaxis (among many other big side effects) it seems to be helping. For the first time in my life I went an entire winter without needing to go to the emergency room for antibiotics for lung infections. Which is a huge accomplishment. 

Every two weeks I go to get not one but two (one in each arm) injections of Xolair. Sure it's inconvenient and I now have to carry an epipen but so far the results have been great. I can actually almost function on a human level, and like I mentioned previously I'm not needing antibiotics and narcotics every two weeks. 

However in my most recent meeting with my specialist (yesterday) she told me a few things that I had yet to hear the whole time I've been dealing with this. When I started seeing her I had less than 30% lung function, and for those keeping score at home, that's not a lot. She went on to say that, this combined with how frequently I was getting infections, I was incredibly close to being put on a list for a lung transplant. 

This is one of the scariest things I've ever heard in my life, that I narrowly dodged needing someone else's lungs in my body, because mine really had (as I often joked) given up on being lungs themselves. Although I dodged that for now, making great strides and improving my lung function, just enough to no longer be considered deadly. However she was sure to tell me, it could still be a reality for me sometime in the future. 

But for now, I need to stick with my regimen of daily medication, including several vitamins, and the Xolair injections every two weeks. My specialist also wants me to start doing at least 20 minutes of Cardio workouts at least 3 times a week (more would be better). Along with my lung physical therapy that I'm supposed to have been doing daily for the past two years, but often forget, (I get busy and things slip my mind) to help improve my lung function. 

I need someone to keep me accountable for both the workouts and physio, at least for a few months until I get into a routine, I know myself well enough to know, I might (will) forget. But hearing how narrowly I dodged needing a major life changing surgery at not even 30 years old has kind of lit a fire under me for the time being to make myself a plan and stick to it. 

My lungs aren't perfect, and I will never have full lung function again, no matter how hard I work, and what medication I take. But right now I'm still breathing on my own with the lungs I was born with and it's better than it could be. It's better than it has been. My illness doesn't define me, but it is a major part of who I am. Some days are harder then others and, I can only expect that, but I'm doing my best not to let it get to me, not to let it drag me down. I can't I have too much good in my life to just lay down and quit. 

This got long, but I needed to let everything out, I needed help to process everything I was told yesterday. 

Until next time

     

  

Tobogganing with BAM

HAPPY 2017 LOVELY PEOPLE! 
Hope everyone is enjoying the new year, I'm hoping to remember about this space more than once a season this year, that's my goal. (But we'll see how that plays out, because I have a real tendency to forget I even have a blog for months on end. But I'm going to try.)

This year I also hope to do more of what makes me happy and forget about all the negativity that seems to surround me wherever I go, but that's a whole other post. 

I wanted to post to discuss a fun Mommy and BAM date I had on the weekend with my then 4 year old who is now 5. (Again another post...hopefully coming your way soon.) 

We were invited to go tobogganing with a group of people who are friends with one of my closest friends whose daughter just so happens to be BAM's first best friend, there were going to be a ton of people I didn't know going. But in the end I knew BAM would have the best time as she's more of a social butterfly than her momma, so decided to suck it up and go. And boy am I glad I did, the genuine smile on that girl's face as she whizzed down the hill, and even as she trudged (yes trudged, uphill walking in the snow is hard) up the hill again is one of the best things I've ever seen. 

I mean look at this face!

The day started with us getting the car stuck in the snow (twice) and needing to be pushed out by a very lovely man, who I may or may not have told was my favourite, after he got me free. (I say we like it was anyone's fault other than my own, let's be honest, it was all me) 

Once the car was free and we made it to the hill the fun really started, BAM was so happy to see her friend that the two insisted on going down the hill together the first few times, before separating to slide down solo. 

BAM's at the front so she's a little hard to see, but the giggles emitting from these two could be heard the whole way down, and back up the hill, and is honestly one of my favourite sounds.

Once on her own BAM picked the path on the hill that was least travelled by the other children there and was able to just go down, come back up, and go down again, with minimal waiting in between. Which in the world of tobogganing is pretty much the dream. 

We stayed on the hill for over two hours, with no one complaining about the cold (except maybe a couple adults), and absolutely no casualties, which is a definite mommy win on all our parts.

This was her method of stopping plant your feet and bail off the side (whatever works I guess)

Although I didn't manage to get a picture of the two of us together, the day was one of the best we've spent together in a long time. With BAM being in school full time now our adventures aren't as often as they used to be (something I've been struggling with) but days like this one are definitely some of my favourites, and a forever memory for sure. (I am determined to get a picture of the two of us on the next one though) 

The day ended with hot chocolate, pretzels, and The Secret Life of Pets, at my house with the first and (hopefully forever) best friend, everyone cold, tired and definitely happy. I can't wait to see what other adventures I get up to with BAM this year. 

Until next time guys!

Mummy Dates Project 2017