Let's Talk...

Hey you! Yeah you, let's talk, shall we? 
About what you ask? How about everything? Anything? Nothing?

But seriously let's talk. 

I've never been good a keeping in touch, I know this. You know this. At least now you do. It's never been something I've been particularly good at, and I know it, I'm working on it.

Part of it comes down to a nearly crippling fear of making phone calls, or answering the phone at all. The answering part isn't so bad now that we live in an age where my phone tells me exactly who it is, and in some cases their location in the world. So if you call me I can answer (most of the time). 

But waiting for me to call you? That might take longer. A huge part of my anxiety is social, and a big part of that is the phone. I don't know what it is, (actually I do, but that's a story for a different time). I HATE the phone. I get an overwhelming sense of panic, whenever i pick up the phone to make a call, and I hate it. Dialling an then deleting all but the first digit, only to dial the same number six more times, before actually hitting the call button. Only to spiral into a unending cycle of fear, and panic, and then forgetting that I am in fact the one who called you and once you've answered me I probably have panicked myself into forgetting why. 

Why am I telling you this? There has to be a reason right? And there is, you have to be in my head, but trust me there is a track. My reason for telling you this is simple. As a stay at home Mom to a beautiful five year old girl, I'm lonely. Yes lonely. 

Because I'm a stay at home Mom for a child who spends a majority of the day at school, and sure I have friends, but I can't call them, and not just because of the reasons listed above, but because they all have jobs, stuff they do and places they go outside of the home. But not me, outside of my doctor's appointments I spend five days a week trapped in my own mind inside my house. Sure I go out, but remember that social anxiety I mentioned? Yeah that keeps me from doing a lot of things by myself, I can't spend too much time in public by myself before I start to...well panic. 

And there is only so much laundry you can do. So many dishes you can wash. So many things you can clean, and shows to watch on Netflix, before you start to go a little loopy. And I know my house isn't spotless ("but what are you doing you're home all the time?") trust me I've heard it. But in all honesty I've reached a point of just not caring. I don't want to spend all day every day cleaning, it doesn't interest me. If you come to my house it's not to see how tidy I keep it, it's (hopefully) to see me, to see BAM, to see Hubby. That's not to say I don't clean, 'cause I do, a little bit every day. But then what do I do with the rest of my time? 

I watch Netflix... (currently Riverdale)
I read... (currently HArry Potter and the Deathly Hallows) 
I write...
I listen to music...
and I feel alone. 

Then I take myself to the bus stop (headphones in and music loud, because I don't go anywhere without it) and wait for the bus. I then spend my evening reading, playing, and talking with BAM, before cooking dinner and starting bedtime routine. 

Some days I like to be home by myself, it's all I wanted for almost five years, just a moment to myself. But most days I hate it, and I need something to distract myself. Something different, I'm open to any and all suggestions at this point. 

In just three weeks my little mini me, my sidekick, will be done school for the summer and we can go on adventures, and there will be another person here with me. But I know that loneliness will still be there. 

So let's talk. Let's help each other out. Because I can't be the only one who feels this way.